How are you and how was your day and whatever...

[Ruth]

I have a problem. There was this man who was the brother of my x and I've been checking on where he lives through detective sites. I am very scared of him. Anyway I found out he was living in the same city as me. I was drinking a bit and saw his daughters name on FB and told her I wished the best for him. He said he wanted to talk to me and gave me his number. I was afraid but thought it might be an apology from him coming. Anyway, he has not changed. The only time I talked to him was when I had a lot to drink and cannot recall all that was said. I have a feature on my phone where I can stop people from calling me when I want. Anyway after talking to him and seeing he is still a very angry person and doesn't seemed to have changed any I put his phone number on my rejection list. Only problem is I can't recall our conversations as I was quite drunk. People cannot get to my apt. without buzzing me and I don't buzz anyone in less I know them well. Oh well, I don't know what else to say but I am sort of scared I may have told him where I live when drinking. I am such an ass sometimes!!

[Catherine]

We all make mistakes like that. You are in a secure building and you have a dog. Suzy would know if someone was at your door. Also do not open the door unless you are sure who is there. 

I don't block calls, I just don't answer them. That way I do know if someone has called me.  He will lose interest soon enough if he doesn't hear from you.  I think it is always best to avoid an ex. You broke up in the first place. You must have had a good reason. It is unlikely that the person has changed. New contact just brings up unpleasant moments from the past.  Best to leave the past in the past and be careful when you go out for the next little while.  Take Suzy whenever you can.

[Ruth]

I almost always take Suzy with me. The man I was referring to is not my x but the brother of my x. My x is deceased. I think I may have confronted him (the brother who is alive) about his violent nature. He attacked me about 40 years ago and punched me in my head and then proceeded to beat me up. At that time my x was alive and he kicked his brother's butt for beating me up. Anyway he apologized to me later but then took the apology back when he was high on something. He was addicted to cocaine back then. I have seen him hit his girlfriend when she was pregnant and attack my x as well.

Thanks for the advice on security. When I moved in here going on 4 years ago I put dead bolt locks on both the doors to the hallway. I also live in a city that has good police response time. If I have to I will call the police, that is if he attempts to hurt me again. I also carry pepper spray.

Isn't it strange how feelings from 40 years ago can come back? I have been so scared since I talked to him. He talks about attacking his neighbors for intimidating him. But he is very intimidating!! Any how he is nearly 70 years old now and has stage 4 cancer. He had his prostate removed a few mos ago. The cancer has spread to his bones and metastasized. A part of me has felt sorry for him now but each time we talk he says things that really scare me badly. I guess the answer is not to talk to him again. He can be nice at times, too. I needed to vent that as it has been bothering me so much. Thanks for listening.

[Catherine]

It sounds like he is an old man who is dying. He hasn't changed and it is best to leave him to other people who are trained to care for someone like that. I doubt he has much time left. He may still be angry, but he probably doesn't have the strength to act on the anger.
Some memories are so intense that time does not weaken the emotions. It is best to avoid anything that brings them up.

You are safe and have a good life where you are now. That is what really matters.

Take care and keep Suzy close. She will sense any danger and will protect you.

[Ruth]

That man called me last night and I didn't answer. I let the answering machine pick up. He left a message that he is starting on getting hospice today. So I guess they are going to help him die with some dignity. I feel kind of sad about it. I never said I didn't have other feelings for him, too. Some of my fear of him has subsided, thankfully.

[Catherine]

It sounds like he has made a complete mess of his life. You may be the only one he can call. I doubt he has friends and he wanted to let someone know he is dying. The Hospice will make him comfortable and they will be good to him. You have nothing to fear. He is no longer able to do anything good or bad. All he can do is let go of life as peacefully as possible.

Just knowing about another human being in this situation is enough to make any of us feel sad. The fact that you know him makes it more personal.

[Ruth]

He does have some friends he has told me about. He started on Hospice and they are giving him stronger medication now. I really feel sorry for him dying of cancer. He asked me to go out for Chinese Food with him. I don't feel frightened of him any longer. I put him off about going out to eat. He has a girlfriend and lots of old girlfriends he talks with and I'm glad he has so many who love him.

[Catherine]

It is sad when anyone dies of cancer like that.  I doubt he is really well enough to go anywhere.  Usually when they start hospice care it is because the end is near. I hope he has caring people with him. No one should die unloved and alone.

Once they start the stronger meds the end is near. The body can't handle the strong stuff for long.  Hopefully he will die peacefully fairly soon. No one should have to suffer too long.

[Ruth]

I think he thinks he is doing better than he really is doing. He visits his girlfriend still on the weekends. He claims he is doing well. Cancer is an awful thing, isn't it?! He did mention that maybe he is not as well off as he thinks he is. I have seen this in people before. Death is a hard thing to face for most of us. He says the medicine is making him feel good. He isn't on that high of a dose yet.

[Catherine]

The medicine is making him feel good, but it is not making him well. Stage four is already terminal. Once you reach stage four there is little that can be done.  It is not easy to accept death and not hope a little that things will get better. I hope he is able to come to peace with life as he has lived it.