How are you and how was your day and whatever...

[Ruth]

I talked with him last night. He said the hospice people want to see him die. I told him that they don't want to see him die but they want him to be comfortable. He told me the story of how his brother died and I felt real sad about it. His brother was my x. I stopped seeing him because he kept getting into trouble and I didn't think he really cared about me anymore. His brother died of lung cancer. I never knew the story of how he died but hearing it made me feel guilty, too, that I had left him. Oh well I shall get over this, too.

[Tobi]

[quote='Ruth' pid='14077' dateline='1460329475']
I have a problem.  There was this man who was the brother of my x and I've been checking on where he lives through detective sites.  I am very scared of him.  Anyway I found out he was living in the same city as me.  I was drinking a bit and saw his daughters name on FB and told her I wished the best for him.  He said he wanted to talk to me and gave me his number.  I was afraid but thought it might be an apology from him coming.  Anyway, he has not changed.  The only time I talked to him was when I had a lot to drink and cannot recall all that was said.  I have a feature on my phone where I can stop people from calling me when I want.  Anyway after talking to him and seeing he is still a very angry person and doesn't seemed to have changed any I put his phone number on my rejection list.  Only problem is I can't recall our conversations as I was quite drunk.  People cannot get to my apt. without buzzing me and I don't buzz anyone in less I know them well.  Oh well, I don't know what else to say but I am sort of scared I may have told him where I live when drinking.  I am such an ass sometimes!!

(Oh bother! Now the "quote" thing isn't working properly! )

Never mind. You can control this. Don't worry.
Get rid of your old phone and get a new phone and new number. If you have any important data or photos stashed on your phone, transfer them to a safe place first (such as online photo hosting, or into your computer documents etc)
If you are on a contract with your phone company sometimes you are given options to update your phone anyway. But you may have to make a request to assign a new number to you. Or you could simply get a pay-as-you-go one for now until you fix a new phone contract. Pay as you go phones are the best for anonymity.
On FB just ignore him.
Don't give him your address. And make sure your address doesn't display on any search facilities. You can opt out from many directories and such. This may mean a day or two of work but you are in control so long as you keep your wits about you and don't forget anything.

No harm in a few drinks but stay off social media/ phones while you are having fun!
I hope all will be well.

I am used to 'being on the lam' in the past from certain people. No big deal.

[Catherine]

Quote:I am used to 'being on the lam' in the past from certain people. No big deal.

I think we have all been there at some point.


You just have to move on and be careful.  Your x is in your past and you are not responsible for the choices he made. You were not responsible for how he died and you didn't owe him anything. It was his family's responsibility to care for him.



Your x's brother has a lot of problems. You don't need to get involved in that. The Hospice staff are good caring people. They will make him as comfortable as possible. If he refuses to let them do that then it is his own fault. It is not your responsibility.

We all have people in our pasts that we need to avoid. I have a life here in Toronto and friends and a job. I have animals that depend on me. I would not take a call from a destructive person from my past. I have a responsibility to my life now to leave the past in the past.
It is the only thing you can do if you don't want to be dragged down over and over again.

[Ruth]

Thanks for all the feedback. I have decided to put him on call rejection. Only his call is rejected and not others. Last time I talked to him he talked about how someone could hurt Suzy if they punched me in the head and grabbed her. I had told him I was scared of dognappers. So he took the opportunity to try and make me think someone is going to come and take her from me. He kept saying how his cat(who ran away)could tear Suzy apart. That was just plain intimidation. I am not going to feel sorry for him anymore! He can not reach me on the phone any longer. The end of that. I hope he will RIP.

[cathie]

You re doing the right thing Ruth.

[Catherine]

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is avoid the people who upset you.

Even on my job, sometimes I have to turn down a client. Some people just get to you and you can't work with them. We send in another staff who isn't bothered by the person. I have taken on clients that other staff couldn't cope with and I have been fine with them.

Let someone else deal with the people from your past. Stick with the good that is happening now.

[Ruth]

Thanks for the feedback. Somehow I accidentally turned off my phone rejection. He called and left a message. I made sure my call rejection is working now. He will not be able to reach me. I am now truly afraid he may try to hurt me and or Suzy by the things he said to me. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it.

[Catherine]

I don't think you need to worry about him. He is to sick to do much and he is not going to be around for long.
Call the police if h comes to your door. If he left a threatening message you can report it. It is against the law to leave threats like that.

He has no power over you unless you give it to him.  He is a coward and a bully and they always back down when you stand up for yourself. 

Carry a nice big umbrella. It might rain anyhow and an umbrella is useful for defending yourself.

[Ruth]

I carry pepper spray. He had told me he has slowed down some because of the cancer in his bones. He didn't leave a threatening message, he is too smart to do that. He cannot call me anymore.

[Catherine]

It is good he can't call. You don't need to hear from him. I am sure the cancer has slowed him a lot. If they are considering him for palliative care then he is very unwell. Bone cancer is very serious.

I have never used pepper spray, but I am sure it is very effective.